I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
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Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing