Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
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the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
grotesque if literal: baby food
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
White parent Vs Arab parents