If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
whatcha thinkin bout
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.