Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
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So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Monday
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.