Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
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I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.