What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*