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dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
step 6: release the wall snake
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.