[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
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Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
October already? What’s next? November????
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.