Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
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If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Well, this is awkward
ouch
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways