1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
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me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
For anyone who needs this today
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.