shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
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I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Can’t. Being lazy.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber