Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
You Might Also Like
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I’m crying im so happy for them
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?