me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 馃檨
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i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I鈥檒l take you camping.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I鈥檝e been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you鈥檙e struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it鈥檚 just you and the host
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
馃帀Made my last car payment 馃帀
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they鈥檙e getting the chair
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring