It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
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My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Ugh
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water