“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
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at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
he’s doing your taxes
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
*me flirting
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!