My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
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[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah