Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
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Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Who.
Did.
This?
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.