Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
You Might Also Like
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*