Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
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I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.