Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
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I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
A woman drives into a bar.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I feel seen
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !