I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
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[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I have two kinds of followers
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
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My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today