I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
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I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
my mom making me talk to relatives
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.