When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
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I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.