Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
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Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.