[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
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[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Did my cat write this
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.