Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
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Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?