The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
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“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Thinking about Jeff
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.