*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
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Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard