Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
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[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”