Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
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[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I did not eat the cake…
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers