I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
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Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*