Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
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girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you