GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
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Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.