Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
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Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Saturday
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me