If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
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first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.