A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
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“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023