Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
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Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex