hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
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[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.