Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
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I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.