My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
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I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
From my Mom
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents