Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
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Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done