Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
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sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”