Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
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I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
me irl
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?