Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
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People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Aaaa…CHOO!
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta