[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
You Might Also Like
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
for all #parents out there
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Guilty! 🤪
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.