I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
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What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I would move hell over six inches for you
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes