once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
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I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
she has a point
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.