My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
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Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Nomnomnomnom
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.