Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
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I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.