Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
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Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.